Mission accomplished! After an encouraging mental kick in the butt and, yes, help from Brad (thank you!) I went onto "Veni, Vidi, Vici" that turkey and get it in the oven prepped and ready to go early Sunday morning. I was not quite sure how to properly "stuff" it, but I thought, hmm, anything seasoned would taste fine, so in/on went an onion, rosemary, thyme, parsley, extra virgin olive oil (that would later attribute to a FAIL'ed gravy attempt), salt/pepper/oregano, carrots, and lots of chicken broth. Oh, and did I mention that I honestly had no idea what a turkey baster was used for besides collegiate activities involving gin and buckets; I think I'm growing up...

Every thirty minutes I would check in on my bird. This would also call for me basting it, and I have to be honest, Brad and our friend Alex (who were spending the afternoon in the living room practicing physical therapy lab skills) enjoyed basting the turkey too (it's a catchy activity, not going to lie). Finally, exactly six hours after I had put the turkey in the oven we took it out. I have to say, that bird did not look as scary cooked to a crisp golden brown as it did in the raw. Around 7:00, with everyone present we carved the turkey and gave some sweet thanks.
So to recap...
Goal: A Cooked, Tender 22-lb Domesticated 1st-Class Turkey
Time frame: One week
Project Leader: Me
Project "Guinea Pigs": Annual Thanksgiving Dinner Attendees (AKA my amazing friends & family)
End Result: Unknown
Casualties: Minus my fat turkey, None (as of yet)
In conclusion...
Goal: A Cooked, Tender 22-lb Domesticated 1st-Class Turkey
Time Frame: One week, one prep night, six hours to cook
Project Leader: Me
Project Participants/Supporters: Everyone
End Results: SUCCESS!
Casualties: Minus my fat turkey, none (phew)
I could not have done this project without the help from my roommates, Nikki, my grandmother, and my mom. Y'all withstood many nights of complaints and even a near-crying moment (Brad, I'm no longer afraid of the insides, I promise). I'm not sure if I will do this turkey challenge Part II next year, since I will be honest and say it took a great deal of preparation, time, energy, and research. However, the end results were perfect, and it tasted as good as it looked! So, in conclusion, I guess the only thing that I can say is that I'm, well, thankful. Thankful for my friends, family, and prepared turkeys from Boston Market for future thanksgiving meals. Here's to a successful thanksgiving, and in the words of my father, I suggest that everyone partake in the following action with their loved ones this week, "Let's give some thanks for the good food, great meat, and now great God let's eat."